"And whoseoever shall compell thee to go a mile, go with him twain." - Matthew 5:41
Every day my quiet time seems to speak directly to what God's been revealing to me. Today, Oswald Chambers wrote, " 'I have chosen you.' That is the way the grace of God begins...Our Lord's making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are easy to us naturally; He only asks us to do the things we are perfectly fitted to do by His grace, and the cross will come along that line always."
All last year I wondered, why am I stuck here? I don't like teaching and the only way I remained sane was praying for a better day. I didn't like doing something I was not good at and facing people whom I saw as having too much attitude and too little respect. Too big of a self-image and too little drive. I felt like my personality simply did not fit my position and I coveted people who were good at their jobs. I prayed and prayed to be a better teacher. I convinced myself that it was all right if some kids didn't like me too much (some of the "good" ones did at least). I was there to teach, not to be liked. But secretly (or not so secretly) I really like being liked.
I've always been the type of person to recover easily. The technique is to live with a sort of cynical sort of happiness that I don't care too much about something - relationships, image, etc. It was a wall built by stripping away the importance of anything that was seemingly impossible for me to have. Yet Isaiah Berlin says, "The logical culmination of the process of destroying everything through which I can possibly be wounded is suicide."
I've been pondering that quote for a week. I realize that I'm often afraid to put myself wholly into something because I don't like being dissapointed. I don't see myself as a go-all-out person, though I've always admired those people/ found them a bit foolish, albeit wonderfully so. Last week I decided I'd step over the ledge a bit and be a go all-out person when it came to my kids and getting my kids into college. I wasn't just going to be polite and distant. I really wanted my kids to succeed, and I wasn't going to be so deficient of hope to do all I could to fight for that.
2 Peter 1:7 says, "Add to yoru brotherliness...love." Oswald Chambers says, "You won't reach it on tiptoe." Every day I pray for love. Even more so, I pray for hope. I want to be positive and not miserable no matter how little appreciation I seem to receive. In small group we talked about how God has commissioned us to live for Him, not seek the approval of those we're serving. I've realized that it is only recently that I truly care more about being right with God than being on good terms with my kids.
And it is only recently that my kids have expressed appreciation for me. Last year, I had some students who talked about enjoying my class, but it was only a few. This year, for some reason I have a class that I know loves being there. They respect and support each other and really want to learn. I have students from my other classes who I'm told "love me." That is bizarre. And I am joyful yet nervous that a) people are fickle and b)I will forget that this only came to me through hope in God and the determination to serve Him not gain approval from people.
I still don't think I am naturally a good high school teacher. I don't like speaking in front of people, being the leader...and talking is definitely not my best form of communication. I'm not organized, and I really don't like mean people. Plus I like little kids. Yet I have the hope that God is enough. I realize that teaching is not simply being in front of the class, being organized, speaking clearly, and telling people to do things. Teaching involves exuding hope, and I can only do so by trusting in God so that I can be comfortable and let my kids in. I tell more stories now. I listen more and am more willing to admit I am wrong rather than see poorly communicated annoyances by them as attacks. I've learned from other teachers that sometimes an outpouring of kindness is the appropriate response to a rude comment. Ironically, those days I am more relaxed and more kind rather than "stubborn," my kids have listened more and cared more. And I end the day more positive. I think I finally love my kids. I haven't been able to say that until now.
