my timepiece

i hate watches. i find them confining and the whole wrist thing, claustrophobic. but the other day, i found what i thought might be a solution: a time piece - kind of like what rappers and grandpas wear, except smaller. and i'm so happy with it i wear it all the time. but now i realized it's not just the wrist thing that i find confining. something about time itself makes me claustrophobic.

(my obsession with peter pan continues) a recurring scary theme in my childhood stemmed from watching the disney version of peter pan and wendy. when the crocodile swallowed the clock and started tick-tocking every time he was approaching, i was traumatized. i associated everything that was out to get me with the sound of "tick-tock." i would run around (fleeing was more like it) hoping to get to "safety" in time or be caught... all while chanting tick-tock-tick-tock. in fact, if i heard that from someone now, i'd still get the chills.

i wrote this "not poem so much as random stream of thoughts that i felt like typing as i went along this little portion of time." i realize it's corny and appears to attempt depth, thus betraying its shallowness, but i've been feeling so ridiculous by the fact that i can't keep track of time/ been slightly obsessed with the idea of time - that i'm putting it here anyway - and i realize me not putting it up is more a sign of insecurity than me leaving it out --because in honesty, i'm afraid of being caught with something so trite. perhaps this paragraph for a few lines of what i've called "nonpoetry" even reveals that insecurity.

i wear a "timepiece" around my neck.
yet i'm still always just a bit late.
am i chasing You or are You chasing me?

Yesterday I set the clock 6 minutes forward in hopes that that will help
but today, instead of 5 minutes late
i've become 11 minutes late.

i hold the timepiece in my hands
and the minutes
continue
t o
sl i p
through,
rising up again to drown me

or maybe i'm floating,

or treading,

either way, it moves us all forward

when i just want to be somewhere


"this moment contains all moments" -lewis

from C.S. Lewis, the Great Divorce:

"Ye can know nothing of the end of all things, or nothing expressible in those terms. It may be, as the Lord said to the Lady Julian, that all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well. But it's ill talking of such questions."

"Because they are too terrible, Sir?"

"No. Because all answers deceive. If ye put the question from within Time and are asking about possibilities, the answer is certain. The choice of ways is before you. Neither is closed. Any man may choose eternal death. Those who choose it will have it. But if ye are trying to leap on into eternity, if ye are trying to see the final state of all things as it will be (for so ye must speak) when there are no more possibilities left but only the Real, then ye ask what cannot be answered to mortal ears. Time is the very lens through which ye see–small and clear, as men see through the wrong end of a telescope–something that would otherwise be too big for ye to see at all. That thing is Freedom: the gift whereby ye most resemble your Maker and are yourselves parts of eternal reality. But ye can see it only through the lens of Time, in a little clear picture, through the inverted telescope. It is a picture of moments following one another and yourself in each moment making some choice that might have been otherwise. Neither the temporal succession nor the phantom of what ye might have chosen and didn’t is itself Freedom. They are a lens. The picture is a symbol: but it’s truer than any philosophical theorem (or, perhaps, than any mystic’s vision) that claims to go behind it. For every attempt to see the shape of eternity except through the lens of Time destroys your knowledge of Freedom."

the place between sleep and awake

" You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting." Tinkerbell

The place between sleep and awake is terrifying. I just spent what seemed like an eternity trying to get out of it.

I've always flirted around a bit with Peter Pan, and he's in fact been special to me perhaps even in a deeper way- I once wrote my Yale college application essay about him...the whole idea of growing up, letting go, facing life...so I suppose it's fitting that he should come up again as I consider leaving this place I once thought was the future now quickly becoming the past. The brave leap I once took into the future turns out to be only one in a series of endless leaps...it's like i'm on monkey-bars, if you will... and right now, i'm at that in between place where i can only reach to grasp the air and feel the sensation of about to fall - all while hoping that there is, in fact, another bar in front of me.

and now i'm also afraid to sleep. though it seems like an almost comforting, tho masochistic, alternative to facing the awake.

i spent much of this week asleep, sort of too ill and weak to face what's next but being too stubborn or afraid to really believe and admit it, tho i joke about it.

but today as i was taking another life-escaping nap after being tired with feeling insecure and immobilized, i had the dream that i got hit by a gigantic truck while walking to the hall of graduate studies and two people had to pull me back to the sidewalk because i was suddenly paralyzed and couldn't move. one of them got injured in the process but was ultimately okay. then as i was laying there on my bed in my dream, i realized i was laying around in the exact same curled position at the left end of my bed in real life, and neither dream alice nor real alice could move. and boy did i try to get up. except there was this force that kept bringing me back, and some song that kept drawing me to it. and i tried so hard to get the strength to move but i couldn't. there was a voice that didn't speak but kept trying to convince me to go back down and even something almost on top of me that tried to push me down when i stirred a bit. and for a while i kept wanting to go back...at this point i'm terrified. i was on the point of getting up about 3 times but kept being pulled back...i'm very sure by now my eyes were awake and i even managed to give one foot a kick but i was just too tired, and i just want to give in and rest, but as i said, i'm terrified.

all while this was happening, i realized the only thing i could even do was pray with all my might and cling on to the idea of Jesus and then His person when i couldn't quite feel Him there. and that seems strange as i'm trying to explain it, but it really felt like if i didn't keep myself completely focused on God, I would never wake up. I'm attempting to find explanations online about what I think is that common paralyzed state you're in when you're about to wake up, but I'm not sure that really cut it - because i've been there before, just not like this...all I could think about is, I wonder if that's what hell is like -- not being able to reach God because you're so lost and wanting to turn to Him, but just letting go because it's easier/ you can't give up the sleep to really wake up even though you know wake can be so much better than the crappy meaninglessness you're in now.

And the verses that I kept repeating was "I am the way the truth and the life." and that's all I could think about the entire time in my desperation. and then about Jesus being the light of the world.

I don't even know why it was those verse- maybe because I read them today during qt this morning.

all of a sudden I just let go and exerted the strength to leap out of bed. but this, mind you, is after i've done a couple of failed little leapings that ended with me deciding to lay back down, pulled back into the music, the paralyzing, the whole terrifying deal...but this time i just remain up for a while and convince myself I can't go back to where i was (asleep).

so i go to the bathroom.

and i'm still drowsy but am too suspicious of sleep. i look online and see wise people i know who can support me if i asked, and tho i don't talk to them, i am simply comforted by the fact they're there and God has put them in my life to help guide me.

i open jesus among other gods, the book i'm reading, half expecting that God might use it,but also half just wanting to do something that is not work but will keep me awake...
i didn't actually think it would speak to my situation because it's about an indian teenager trying to find meaning within his indian culture.

this is the point i entered the book today:
"life drifted with affections and sports, but without ultimate purpose." i thought about how i sort of felt like that - drifting, even though i flirted with the idea of, maybe even struggled with my purpose and sort of knew intuitively that i must give it up to God.

then ravi attempts suicide and in the hospital, he reads Scripture. what speaks to him is none other than the gospel of John (which I've been reading) and the verse "I am the way and the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father except through Me." that caught my attention. His attention, however, was caught by what was next: "Because I live, you shall live also." I wondered what that meant. I thought about what it meant to live and if I would have died if I had decided to lay back down - if i'm still in the danger if i remain in place and never grasp onto the next bar. And he said, "Again, I was not sure of all that it meant. I knew it meant more than just biological life. Piecing together God's love in Christ, the way that was provided because of Christ, and hte promise of life through Him, on that hospital bed I made my commitment to give my life and my pursuits into His hands. The struggle of my relationship, my origin, and my destiny were all addressed in that conversation Jesus had with His disciples two thousand years ago. My commitment stands now as the most wonderful transaction I ever made. I turned my life completely over to Jesus Christ." I realize how little I can even begin to understand, but I do know that what Jesus offers is the only thing that will give me life.

And as Ravi becomes transformed, he talks about his newfound passion for learning, the recognition of the value of study, and the need to understand great thinkers and their thoughts. He says "Our intellect is not intended to be an end in itself, but only a means to the very mind of God." And just before my nap, I was feeling a bit crappy about myself and wishing I was simply really good - the best even- at one thing. Ravi's teenager self had been wondering "What is everything? Is antyhing everything?> Why are we so eager to prove to the world that we are the best at what we do and care not for why or who we are?"

I'm a bit excited to begin my essays (yes, begin) now. Because it's exciting and freeing to know that intelligence and books are ways to understand God, not simply the end in themselves. How I do, what I can understand or perform in a paper does not prove my worth, but what I've gained in the process will help me understand a bit about is life and why and who i am, why we are here.

<>

=D

Praise
i wear running shoes more than heels now because lately when i'm walking by myself and thinking about/to God, i get a moment of clarity and actually see/feel/hear/taste - whatever it is - just how REAL God is and how wonderfully awesome and close/within/partof me He is...
and then i say yayyy! and start skipping/ jogging down until i get tired (which is shortly after- but the moment is still beautiful)

IT

IT happens when you're brutally expelled from the safety of the womb, your body and soul once connected to someone's else's as though your life depended on it (they did)- now cut. somehow you're still alive.

you discover "the outside"- and also the pretty lady with the familiar voice who picks things up every time you throw them on the ground.

then IT happens again when you're 3 and just discovering the pretty lady who squeals every time you call mama, loses what you think is a vital part of playing mama - that is, rushing over whenever you call. she has now put you in preschool. you cry everyday.


one day at preschool you discover the club. boys vs. girls. you find people who seem to share something with you and that becomes the strongest barrier and inclusion factor - you're settled and safe once again. teddy invites you to his birthday party but you don't go because he's a boy and hence smelly and bad and unloved by santa clause whom he doesn't believe in either (because he's a boy and smelly and bad).

as you grow older, you start a jaj and an i hate boys club and wonder why that pretty girl stranger is talking to that ugly boy stranger. you put that in your spy notebook w/ data of the weird. in that notebook you also have a list of people you don't like. with "the club," you have find the strength of the collective to climb out of the sunday school window because the substitute won't let you pee. he pulls you back. he's now on the black list too.

one day your best friend in the club talks to someone on the "don't like" list. you cry in the bathroom. later you discover that that person aint so bad.

one day your best friend says "we shouldn't have a club called i hate boys." she starts talking about boys more often. she has a crush on casper the friendly ghost (you've shamelessly read it in her diary). you ask your friend jessica what crush means (you imagine it's getting very very hurt by something heavy...you're close.)
you still hate boys (now even more).

but then one day there's that cute boy that starts making you smile when you think of him - of course you never tell him that tho you chat w/ him every day. one day many many many years later when IT has already happened and you have pretty much stopped talking, you mention the crush. it's not a big deal anymore.

IT happens again when your best friend moves away. the girl that always watches movies with you has found another group of friends too. this reminds you of how the girl who used to live behind you and play donald duck and daisy when you were 7 stopped answering your knocks.

but now you're in high school and realize that after 4 years of celebrating birthdays and eating lunch with the same people, you've found your way into a Group.

the group is not without problems...not everyone likes everyone else anymore...but it's still the Group.

then you graduate and go to college.

in college, people want lots of friends, not just a Group. and no one has the same schedule as you. you miss your Group. you live for breaks.

but admist the sea of awesome tho busy people who seem to already have best friends, you find a few whom you might call good friends. you grow secure in you relationship with them and rely on them to be there and thinking about you as much as you think about them, wanting to see you as much as you want to see them.

then one day that too changes. they're busier, one bye one, dashing into Relationships or poking holes at your little bubble of friendship. and one by one these Relationship start taking precedence over yours.

then you wonder if the next step is to count losse and move on. if you should just put your love and time in new people or anyone at all.


then you wonder if you ever loved really loved people if your love depended on feeling secure in the relationship.

you seek other sources of security.

God waits. He's been waiting for years. You think of Him briefly, not knowing what to expect. Somehow you receive.

you realize you can love people better. you realize you never really lost the people you've always loved. you receive visits and timely emails from people you haven't heard from in a while.

the insecurity of the world excites you so long as you have that security in God. sometimes it's hard work simply believing. The Bible says that's the only work God wants from you.

but at night it gets tiring. you struggle on and you grow with God.

you wonder what it's like to see the child you've raised all these years go off to elementary school or college or even one day, get married. or when mama gets older and older. or when your spouse does too. you'll probably cry a lot if you still do that. you'll probably hug your pillow (the one you've had since childhood) very hard and give it lots of kisses. if you're wise or desperate (you're always desperate), you might pray. maybe you'll even be expecting IT and good at dealing with IT by now. probably not. but it's probably better and you're probably stronger now that you can see more clearly the One who will never leave you. you realize IT helps you reevaluate where you put your worth. as good as IT is for your maturity, you wish you could just escape IT just this one time. but God continues to give you, IT... and somehow you survive. you realize every single relationship is not just between two people, but contribute to, is bound by, and is actively part of another connection. one that you must never lose because this is one thing your life does depends on. in fact, as long as that umbilical link is connected to the right place, you don't just survive, you become more alive in the midst of IT.

another morning

today as i was typing furiously in hopes of spilling out something resembling an essay (due in about an hour), i realized i couldn't concentrate. i couldn't concentrate because the strings of profanity and clunking were back, along with the mob of men they were coming from. the roofers.

i kept trying to work, but instead just got more and more frustrated.

and so in all selfishness and pride, i devised an ingenious plan of gentrifying the neighborhood... by making my new early morning neighbors into, well gentlemen. i would teach them about the rain in spain falling on the plain and everything. actually, i'd just offer them tea. the hope was that they would A) know i knew they were there and B) become instant gentlemen because someone treated them like one (i had read in mere christianity that God treats us like sons even before we are sons just as children need their parents to speak to them like they understand before they understand and in order so that they will one day understand - yes i was that arrogant)

so i boiled the water and brushed my teeth.

then bravely opened the back door and said as sweetly as possible, goodmorning, would anyone like some tea?

and they, surprised, were quiet (finally) for a moment, then all smiled and said, ohh, thank you, that's all right.

and i said, are you sure? ok then! bye! and rushed back into the safety of my room. (i'm actually quite afraid of social encounters)

so now i'm the one drinking tea...they only quieted down a little, so i don't know if i've actually made much difference or if they'll be quieter tomorrow...

but for some reason, i'm a lot more happy and ok with them. i think they were actually quite lovely in their little group. i don't really hear the profanity no more but rather it occurs to me that what they're saying is stuff that makes up a community - and a nice one too. instead of hearing the coarse way it was said, i just hear the words "have somebody help you!" there's something endearing about a group of loud noisy men who get up really early in the morning and chatter with each other as they work.

now there are only a few of them left and it is finally quiet.

the people i lived with sophomore and junior years

as various forms of contraceptives...

something that made me =):email from a spiffy girl about how God works in her life and how she has just started doing pods in her dartmouth fellowship! "i named ours godpod :) (since harry podder was pretty much a unanimous "no" ) " God works differently for everyone, but it's exciting when you can find similar themes in how He works in you and in the people you love! I think that reinforces the trust :)

something strange: emily gave me a pair of earplugs which i really enjoy wearing...all the time. i feel protected...and am wearing them right now. i wonder if i shall wear them out on the street.

something i've discovered: i'm interested in life and how people experience life - not so much in the intellectual, philosophical way, not even the sociological or political way of power or policies, but in simply learning and experiencing and being passionate about life, the world, people-- not really issues, but life which exists in every moment. issues interest me insofar as they seem to prevent people from really living and developing fully as human beings. the whole experiencing life thing doesn't even have to be the chance to live luxuriously or achieve entry into the land of opportunities(which i believe sometimes thwarts living), but rather really living, having a great meaningful adventures wherever you are, whatever you're doing (you don't even have to be "doing" something), which i believe only occurs when you have a worthy reason to live. which is why i like being at preschool, because the whole day is focused around discovering and growing and developing relationships -and everyone's ok with that! in fact, it's impossible to truly understand larger ideas of life and living if you haven't gone through the processes of experiencing and exploring life firsthand. which is why pure indoctrination saddens me. which is why i'm interested in how society influences our abilities to think and live fruitfully. which is also why i loved being with my kids this summer because it was a time of expressing and discovering one's right to fully live even when society and circumstances claimed otherwise. anyway, i think the first step is to realize that life is now. what we're doing now is not just another step in preparing for something worthwhile, but each moment we live is a very important part of life, whatever our experiences may be. it's about the process, not necessarily the outcome. because it's really the process that develops and makes who we are. it's really in the process that we live. the outcome just happens. so what does this mean for some girl without an idea of what she's doing next year? i guess that it doesn't matter where i am next year, because i'm living this year. and whatever/wherever next year is doesn't matter as long as i'm living it and experiencing God/life (if i'm still alive).

something brave: emily and i finally hung out with our neighbors!

some mid day

prayer request: baby evelyn (the baby on my computer screen - brian lee's friends' adorable baby - has a scalp infection!) - er the request is to pray that she gets better and she grows up to be beautiful and wonderful
---
the danger with the online blog is that there is a tendency to package yourself into something -well packageable, and at the same time interesting (which to me seems paradoxical). the goal is for people to see you for "who you are" - except how can that be possible when they get a packaged form instead of some living soul who as it turns out, is boringingly similar to everyone else (or maybe excitedly so) in their core struggles (pride, insecurity, lust, anger, whatever).


i don't even really believe that we're all the same. but it's when we rely on those little quirks and "unique personalities" to define us, find worth, or even save us that it becomes so troublesome. because as it turns out, we're not even true to those quirks.

i think that goes for everyday life too. trying to be someone different, or at least same and likeable.

the wise young david lee caught me embracing a sophomore the other day and saying never leave me! come back to ucw!! and then 2 minutes later trying to lure a freshman in by promising her hugs every week. i told him it was better than luring them in with the promise of food, but he said it was the same. which is true. i told lillian later that maybe instead of trying to make church (or ourselves) attractive, we should just be honest - maybe the occasional honesty and seeing people as "real" is most attractive, even more attractive than food.

so rather than this being a place for being "real," i'm going to just give the disclaimer that this may very well be a packaged me despite some honest feelings. in fact, i'm ok with that if that makes some room for being real in real life, wherever that is.

one other unrelated note...i don't know how i think . jason and esther were talking about how they think the other time - i think i just daydream rather than think - which is why i never know what i'm doing and often misplace things (in fact, today i walked home at noon and began a process of taking off what i was wearing and putting something else on without realizing what i was doing)


a glimpse into what fills my head: today i was sitting on cross campus in the nice nice sun, worrying about skin cancer because i hadn't put on sun block when i saw the lovely bianca. we smiled and waved and i thought about how much i liked bianca. then a a bee began to buzz around me and i thought, i saw bianca, and now i' tormented by a bee. the alliteration severely interested me and i wondered what endless connections bianca had with the bee, and whether the verb "to be" could apply, if bianca could be a bee what would she be like or if, being narcissistic, what i would feel like, to be bianca, or the bee or bianca as the bee. this is like the ancient chinese guy:
"Once Zhuang Zhou dreamed he was a butterfly, a f1uttering butterfly. What fun he had, doing as he pleased! He did not know he was Zhou. Suddenly he woke up and found himself to be Zhou. He did not know whether Zhou had dreamed he was a butterfly or a butterfly had dreamed he was Zhou"

morning thoughts

i cannot feign coolness by writing only once in a while...moderation appears not to be my forte...(in many forms this is so - whether it be lots and lots of food or songs over and over again, or every episode of every tv show or lots and lots of sleep - something must be said about addictive behavior/ gluttony)...so since somethings going to be taking over my life, it might as well be a lot of typing and a little thinking ...it'll be good practice for my essaying later today (hopefully).

so i thought i was going to class, but early this morning the roofers came by (as they have been doing everyday for the past week) and started working right outside my window (as in, i can hear every word they say to each other)...basically they now have a large dumpster outside my window and a long chute connected to the buildling next to ours which they use to clank and clunk chunks of what i assume to be the roof from the next building down into the dumpster. and so i woke up before i was supposed to. and laid in bed half asleep half awake until i missed class. i fantasized about going outside and asking them what was going on and if they could please be quiet so i could sleep - then i thought how self-centered that was - and changed the plan so that i would ask them if maybe we could work out a deal where they could come in and nap too - then we would all be friends - i also have a pretend friendship with the really cool old hippy man who plays songs on his ukelele/guitar thing at the corner of my street every day...in my imagination we are the best of friends and hang out in front of the british art museum every afternoon at 4pm -tea time, i, frolicking and dancing the monkey dance and him, playing millions of wonderful ballads, and together, enjoying the beautiful new haven fall, his long flowy...facial hair fluttering in the wind and attracting dozens of plump babies to come play with us...one of these days i will say hi to him.

anyway, so when i woke up (sorta) i thought,the only thing i wrote i'd do today was go to my 930 class and i didn't even do that, so it's silly to rely on and make make believe plans about the future.

nevertheless, i'm really excited about life... i just have to get out of bed.



---
my quiet time (in bed) <- a la ridiculous crude fortune cookie humor
"the terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self- all your wishes and precautions -to Christ. but it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call 'ourselves,' to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good'. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way - centred on money or pleasure or ambition-and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do."
- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

i realize that even when i try to be good, thinking i'm giving myself up to christ by giving up some things i want to do or think(but what turn out to be "wrong"), when i try to be a little better of an alice, willing myself to forgive, to be loving, to study for more than -er- 10 minutes, to think about someone other than ME, to be more secure about who God has created me to be by serving my way even when i see others, more loving and witty and smart doing a "better" job with all their natural strengths... at the heart of it, i'm still hoping all the time that after i meet all the demands of "being good" my poor self will have some chance to do what it likes and keep a bit of its own little life. cs lewis says this is because we're still taking our natural self as the starting point. But today when all my wishes and hopes for the day rush at me, i hope to push them back and listen to that other voice, letting that larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in, if not just for the moment to start. i used to wonder why the church exists - it exists not to have mission or education projects, not to have services or even to make friends, least of all to make us good religious people- but to draw us into Christ and make us like little Christs. "And there are strange, exciting hints in the Bible that when we are drawn in, a great many other things in Nature will begin to come right. The bad dream will be over; it will be morning."

yes first thing's first, get out of bed and get a burrito.

This Past Week

CONFESSION: i've had generations of little blogs that i don't tell people about because i'm blogshy and like being the one -er stalking...and plus i don't like seeming narcisistic - even tho i am. or be pressured to seem smart or cool - even tho i am -jk... or to write coherently - because i'm too cool for that (refer to previous statement)- again, just kidding - i actually secretly covet the ability to think coherently and to write in a non-stream of consciousness manner, but am working to be excited about who God has made me to be- and believe it or not, this blog thing is one way of being brave and i'm hoping to try this brave thing out.

something favorite: music video of the week: new soul (<===makes me think of heaven because she moves into a new place all by herself with just the pictures of her friends, but once she pushes down the walls, she realizes not only is she in the middle of a beautiful lake, but all her best friends are coming to find her on inflatable rafts!) i'm so fascinated by it and maybe it's because we're all longing for heaven and yearn for eternity in relationships - (it wouldn't be the same if it was just her by herself on some lake) and to think that you can one day play forever with people you have lost touch with or grew apart with or didn't have the time to get to know!

something exciting: alumni came to visit for parent's weekend. apparently who we think of when we think of rap is what dates us...i think of eminem - BUT THERE were people who thought of tupac and vanilla ice! (the freshmen, some born in the 90s and aka pokemon generation, think of kanye west)

something embarrassing: calling jesse at the safety dance and singing loudly and off-key into his voicemail, the chorus to "jesse's girl" ....only to later realize i had stored his mom's number as his and had left her the message.

something weird: today i was at the cafe at bass when two large, athletic boys plopped themselves at my little table without asking and started talking about monkeys, girls, and menopause with each other (3 subjects i personally consider myself an expert on - jk....)... then they talked about how they could make the rookies do things for them (and i thought of how their system is much nicer than OUR system of being nice to freshman and creating spoiled little beasts! - again, jk, freshmen are awesome and beautiful)...the three of us sat there for the next couple of hours without making eye contact. i decided i didn't mind the company that much, then thought about how i could exploit the situation for a sociological exercise since i usually have to people watch anyways. it also provided me with the extra benefit of being able to hear what they were saying oh so very clearly...tho i thought if i took notes they might leave.

something wonderful: i love my godpod. we keep having these long godpods where we don't even realize the time and i love the girls so much!

something good: after spending many of my (rare) waking hours and energy on chinese dramas and many many sit coms, i have gotten very disgusted and have given up tv - EVEN HOUSE, MD...so now i have lots of time for daydreaming - and hopefully time for praying and working and spending time with my children.

something new: I GOT TO PLAY WITH MAY'S COUSIN WHO IS A FRESHMAN HERE!! proof (he's the one on the left...the one on the right is the wonderful, young kevin shen...we're going to explore a really cool place on thursday. let me know if you want to come!!!)

something i need prayer about: my family is going thru rougher times than we've had before, but i know God will take care of us =)

apparently (according to victor) thanks to the financial difficulties in iceland, my opportunistic friends and i can now go to iceland for $550 (roundtrip +hotel)

despite our "early morning" meetings (side story: i once woke both devin and sasha up to plan our trip at 10:30 on a monday. when i went into devin's room, he cleverly tricked me into turning off the lights for him so he could continue sleeping by saying "he wanted to conserve energy." i then attempted to get devin out of bed by searching in his bible for the proverb about how sleep brings about poverty - proverbs 24:33-34: "A little sleep, a little slumber, A little folding of the hands to rest, then your poverty will come as a robber..." but when i flipped open the bible, I came straight to proverbs 25:17 - "Let your foot rarely be in your neighbor's house, too much of you and he will become weary of you and hate you.") the plan is no longer to go to xinjiang during winter break (to "study" child welfare, china, and islam for my, devin, and sasha's majors respectively) but instead, to go to iceland before our (sasha, kathy, alice, devin, jesse, colin, kate,and ariel) finals (which i now have none - on friday, the drop deadline, i dropped the one class i would have had a final in so i could go home a week earlier *side story: as i made the final decision to drop my class, some poor girl was in the dean's office (and also a panic attack) with a bloody nose, so i ended up bringing her to yale university health services, yuhs, better known as DUH (side side story: the authorities at yale don't like the name "duh" - department of undergraduate health - anymore because they think it looks like "duhhhhh". in fact, it does look like duhhhhh: once a friend was hospitalized and we tried to visit her and asked where she was. she wrote "yale duh"...we thought she meant yale new-haven hospital and that, in her misery, she had developed a big attitude. we forgave her 'tude since she was in pain, then went to yale-new haven and searched for her in vain before realizing we were on the wrong side of campus) and missed a cool class- but it's ok cuz i got to hear about her superawesome activities and live vicariously through her as well as think about how we're all like wonderful little specks of dust with little busy lives...anyway i guess it's ok that i dropped the class since i decided to take the class after developing a girl crush on the cute japanese lady professor who taught the first two lectures... and i'm still going to class tomorrow at 930 anyway. for fun -in case you were wondering, the class is immune biology) ...we're probably going for 3 days. so 3 days in iceland, then come back, write all my papers, and collapse on the airplane home...or to california...whichever family i miss more - or maybe both if i bartend enough for another plane ticket...

my family (in chicago and california)is relieved. having told me i should do what i thought was good when i asked for their permission to go, they later decided xinjiang was a terrible place to go (this is like the time my mom called and gave me this wonderful speech about how she wanted me to choose my own path in life, then pausing and coming back to say, oh just kidding, daddy wants you to be a doctor) for the past week i've been receiving calls about how they worry i'll freeze to death and/or get kidnapped and sold as a wife, neither of which sounded very appealing but we still wanted to go. devin said we had to pretend to be his wives since it wouldn't be appropriate for unmarried girls to be traveling with a boy. thank God He had other plans.

contemplating the cross

give, out of bounds, loneliness, passion, love, hope in darkness, few words, glory in shame, give

day 1

song of the moment: dandelion (five iron frenzy)
something new: raisin cinnamon dough is sitting patiently in hopes of becoming raisin cinnamon bread
something creative: spilt yogurt makes good face-mask after a little crying
something brave: called china family
something good: God