morning thoughts

i cannot feign coolness by writing only once in a while...moderation appears not to be my forte...(in many forms this is so - whether it be lots and lots of food or songs over and over again, or every episode of every tv show or lots and lots of sleep - something must be said about addictive behavior/ gluttony)...so since somethings going to be taking over my life, it might as well be a lot of typing and a little thinking ...it'll be good practice for my essaying later today (hopefully).

so i thought i was going to class, but early this morning the roofers came by (as they have been doing everyday for the past week) and started working right outside my window (as in, i can hear every word they say to each other)...basically they now have a large dumpster outside my window and a long chute connected to the buildling next to ours which they use to clank and clunk chunks of what i assume to be the roof from the next building down into the dumpster. and so i woke up before i was supposed to. and laid in bed half asleep half awake until i missed class. i fantasized about going outside and asking them what was going on and if they could please be quiet so i could sleep - then i thought how self-centered that was - and changed the plan so that i would ask them if maybe we could work out a deal where they could come in and nap too - then we would all be friends - i also have a pretend friendship with the really cool old hippy man who plays songs on his ukelele/guitar thing at the corner of my street every day...in my imagination we are the best of friends and hang out in front of the british art museum every afternoon at 4pm -tea time, i, frolicking and dancing the monkey dance and him, playing millions of wonderful ballads, and together, enjoying the beautiful new haven fall, his long flowy...facial hair fluttering in the wind and attracting dozens of plump babies to come play with us...one of these days i will say hi to him.

anyway, so when i woke up (sorta) i thought,the only thing i wrote i'd do today was go to my 930 class and i didn't even do that, so it's silly to rely on and make make believe plans about the future.

nevertheless, i'm really excited about life... i just have to get out of bed.



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my quiet time (in bed) <- a la ridiculous crude fortune cookie humor
"the terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self- all your wishes and precautions -to Christ. but it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call 'ourselves,' to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good'. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way - centred on money or pleasure or ambition-and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do."
- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

i realize that even when i try to be good, thinking i'm giving myself up to christ by giving up some things i want to do or think(but what turn out to be "wrong"), when i try to be a little better of an alice, willing myself to forgive, to be loving, to study for more than -er- 10 minutes, to think about someone other than ME, to be more secure about who God has created me to be by serving my way even when i see others, more loving and witty and smart doing a "better" job with all their natural strengths... at the heart of it, i'm still hoping all the time that after i meet all the demands of "being good" my poor self will have some chance to do what it likes and keep a bit of its own little life. cs lewis says this is because we're still taking our natural self as the starting point. But today when all my wishes and hopes for the day rush at me, i hope to push them back and listen to that other voice, letting that larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in, if not just for the moment to start. i used to wonder why the church exists - it exists not to have mission or education projects, not to have services or even to make friends, least of all to make us good religious people- but to draw us into Christ and make us like little Christs. "And there are strange, exciting hints in the Bible that when we are drawn in, a great many other things in Nature will begin to come right. The bad dream will be over; it will be morning."

yes first thing's first, get out of bed and get a burrito.