the place between sleep and awake

" You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting." Tinkerbell

The place between sleep and awake is terrifying. I just spent what seemed like an eternity trying to get out of it.

I've always flirted around a bit with Peter Pan, and he's in fact been special to me perhaps even in a deeper way- I once wrote my Yale college application essay about him...the whole idea of growing up, letting go, facing life...so I suppose it's fitting that he should come up again as I consider leaving this place I once thought was the future now quickly becoming the past. The brave leap I once took into the future turns out to be only one in a series of endless leaps...it's like i'm on monkey-bars, if you will... and right now, i'm at that in between place where i can only reach to grasp the air and feel the sensation of about to fall - all while hoping that there is, in fact, another bar in front of me.

and now i'm also afraid to sleep. though it seems like an almost comforting, tho masochistic, alternative to facing the awake.

i spent much of this week asleep, sort of too ill and weak to face what's next but being too stubborn or afraid to really believe and admit it, tho i joke about it.

but today as i was taking another life-escaping nap after being tired with feeling insecure and immobilized, i had the dream that i got hit by a gigantic truck while walking to the hall of graduate studies and two people had to pull me back to the sidewalk because i was suddenly paralyzed and couldn't move. one of them got injured in the process but was ultimately okay. then as i was laying there on my bed in my dream, i realized i was laying around in the exact same curled position at the left end of my bed in real life, and neither dream alice nor real alice could move. and boy did i try to get up. except there was this force that kept bringing me back, and some song that kept drawing me to it. and i tried so hard to get the strength to move but i couldn't. there was a voice that didn't speak but kept trying to convince me to go back down and even something almost on top of me that tried to push me down when i stirred a bit. and for a while i kept wanting to go back...at this point i'm terrified. i was on the point of getting up about 3 times but kept being pulled back...i'm very sure by now my eyes were awake and i even managed to give one foot a kick but i was just too tired, and i just want to give in and rest, but as i said, i'm terrified.

all while this was happening, i realized the only thing i could even do was pray with all my might and cling on to the idea of Jesus and then His person when i couldn't quite feel Him there. and that seems strange as i'm trying to explain it, but it really felt like if i didn't keep myself completely focused on God, I would never wake up. I'm attempting to find explanations online about what I think is that common paralyzed state you're in when you're about to wake up, but I'm not sure that really cut it - because i've been there before, just not like this...all I could think about is, I wonder if that's what hell is like -- not being able to reach God because you're so lost and wanting to turn to Him, but just letting go because it's easier/ you can't give up the sleep to really wake up even though you know wake can be so much better than the crappy meaninglessness you're in now.

And the verses that I kept repeating was "I am the way the truth and the life." and that's all I could think about the entire time in my desperation. and then about Jesus being the light of the world.

I don't even know why it was those verse- maybe because I read them today during qt this morning.

all of a sudden I just let go and exerted the strength to leap out of bed. but this, mind you, is after i've done a couple of failed little leapings that ended with me deciding to lay back down, pulled back into the music, the paralyzing, the whole terrifying deal...but this time i just remain up for a while and convince myself I can't go back to where i was (asleep).

so i go to the bathroom.

and i'm still drowsy but am too suspicious of sleep. i look online and see wise people i know who can support me if i asked, and tho i don't talk to them, i am simply comforted by the fact they're there and God has put them in my life to help guide me.

i open jesus among other gods, the book i'm reading, half expecting that God might use it,but also half just wanting to do something that is not work but will keep me awake...
i didn't actually think it would speak to my situation because it's about an indian teenager trying to find meaning within his indian culture.

this is the point i entered the book today:
"life drifted with affections and sports, but without ultimate purpose." i thought about how i sort of felt like that - drifting, even though i flirted with the idea of, maybe even struggled with my purpose and sort of knew intuitively that i must give it up to God.

then ravi attempts suicide and in the hospital, he reads Scripture. what speaks to him is none other than the gospel of John (which I've been reading) and the verse "I am the way and the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father except through Me." that caught my attention. His attention, however, was caught by what was next: "Because I live, you shall live also." I wondered what that meant. I thought about what it meant to live and if I would have died if I had decided to lay back down - if i'm still in the danger if i remain in place and never grasp onto the next bar. And he said, "Again, I was not sure of all that it meant. I knew it meant more than just biological life. Piecing together God's love in Christ, the way that was provided because of Christ, and hte promise of life through Him, on that hospital bed I made my commitment to give my life and my pursuits into His hands. The struggle of my relationship, my origin, and my destiny were all addressed in that conversation Jesus had with His disciples two thousand years ago. My commitment stands now as the most wonderful transaction I ever made. I turned my life completely over to Jesus Christ." I realize how little I can even begin to understand, but I do know that what Jesus offers is the only thing that will give me life.

And as Ravi becomes transformed, he talks about his newfound passion for learning, the recognition of the value of study, and the need to understand great thinkers and their thoughts. He says "Our intellect is not intended to be an end in itself, but only a means to the very mind of God." And just before my nap, I was feeling a bit crappy about myself and wishing I was simply really good - the best even- at one thing. Ravi's teenager self had been wondering "What is everything? Is antyhing everything?> Why are we so eager to prove to the world that we are the best at what we do and care not for why or who we are?"

I'm a bit excited to begin my essays (yes, begin) now. Because it's exciting and freeing to know that intelligence and books are ways to understand God, not simply the end in themselves. How I do, what I can understand or perform in a paper does not prove my worth, but what I've gained in the process will help me understand a bit about is life and why and who i am, why we are here.