Today I am thinking about knowledge.
My thoughts are more like light particles and less like light waves.
I try out definite statements but a moment later I'm struck with the realization that again I'm not sure about that (or anything?), everything scrambles around again and my statement becomes a volatile particle again in a jumble of mess. Not even a question. A question at least feels coherent - but rather an evasive, uncertain, insecure taunting, unreachable ...something...
There is something beautiful about the coherency of words and thoughts. "So I asked her if language had anything to do with reality. "Don't words refer to something?"
I believe there to be truth and that words are not meaningless...
"...'Of Jesus it is said, "In the beginning was the word... And the word became flesh and came among us.' Words ...are meant to reflect God's purpose for our lives. In this truth we will find life to be coherent.
I just have trouble figuring out what I am thinking/reflecting. I cannot even be certain that I am sleepy right now.
And beyond words: " Jesus once said that our bodies were meant to be temples of the living God. Only when we understand what it means for our lives to be the temple of God can we understand what living means and how coherence is born. For you see, life is not made sacred by going to a place of worship; life already is sacred and that is why it moves us to a place of worship. In this sense, wherever you are, you cannot leave without the temple. Profane it and reap incoherence; keep it sacred and harmony ensues."
Words, knowledge, body, harmony. Not there yet, still chaotic thoughts.
Is it something in us being created in His image? Is that a clue?
"The Christian story is about a God who goes out of his way to know and to be known, to offer us his name, to call us by name, to show us he is worth knowing and loving. Jesus came near so that God would be fathomable. And yet how unfathomable is a God who comes near? There is so much to life and mystery that is unplumbed by our own minds, even as it is held in our minds and in minds long before our own. Why do we have these minds? Why this instinct to search and know? How is it that we should know God by name, or know the voice of the Son? And how shall we respond to the kind of God who invites a love of knowing him: "This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know'" (Jeremiah 33:2-3)."
I am sleepy.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
According to Jill Carratini, The word epiphany has the quality of vision and introspect, reality and awakening. She says, "As one who loves words, I like to think of all epiphanies as having been inspired by the first Epiphany, when the Word became flesh and defined for us the meaning of vision, reality, meaning, and wakefulness."
She quotes T.S. Elliot (from the perspective of one of the pagan magi)
Birth or Death? There was a birth, certainly,
We had evidence, and no doubt I had seen birth and death.
But had thought they were different, this Birth was
hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our palaces, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
with an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.
Carratini:" Coming in contact with the Christ, proclaims Eliot, waking to the Child who was born to die is in a sense like dying ourselves. Though the poem seems to strike a somber note, it is a proclamation echoed triumphantly throughout the New Testament. The apostle Paul speaks readily of life in Christ using the words and imagery of death. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Galatians 2:20). Uttering a similar connection between loss and epiphany, Jesus proclaims, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" (Matthew 10:39). "
I think I often fight to keep myself from dying. Especially now when I am tired or worried (always some excuse) I find I am fighting very hard to give myself more time to rest or be by myself (perhaps not going out and helping someone when I know I have a chance to). Yet I find that when I decide to show love and treat someone kindly (rather than garner love or resources for myself) I am a lot more joyful. I wonder why it works like that.
She quotes T.S. Elliot (from the perspective of one of the pagan magi)
Birth or Death? There was a birth, certainly,
We had evidence, and no doubt I had seen birth and death.
But had thought they were different, this Birth was
hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our palaces, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
with an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.
Carratini:" Coming in contact with the Christ, proclaims Eliot, waking to the Child who was born to die is in a sense like dying ourselves. Though the poem seems to strike a somber note, it is a proclamation echoed triumphantly throughout the New Testament. The apostle Paul speaks readily of life in Christ using the words and imagery of death. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Galatians 2:20). Uttering a similar connection between loss and epiphany, Jesus proclaims, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" (Matthew 10:39). "
I think I often fight to keep myself from dying. Especially now when I am tired or worried (always some excuse) I find I am fighting very hard to give myself more time to rest or be by myself (perhaps not going out and helping someone when I know I have a chance to). Yet I find that when I decide to show love and treat someone kindly (rather than garner love or resources for myself) I am a lot more joyful. I wonder why it works like that.
Friday, December 31, 2010
i've recently been worried that i am becoming a worse alice, that instead of getting more beautiful and christlike i am practicing more selfishness and fear in relationships and work. perhaps part of it is really that the circumstances in my life never brought out this worse alice and i always had the propensity to be this version of me... but that doesn't negate the fact that i have been practicing indulging in it so that i gradually move away from where I want to be. on the otherhand, maybe i am just seeing more clearly how terribly sinful i am and have always been.
tim keller says all of life is repentence. he distinguishes two kinds of repentence:religious and gospel. Religious repentence is "selfish, self-righteous, and bitter all the way to the bottom." We repent because we fear the consequences of sin (punishment) but the gospel says sin cannot bring us into ultimate condemnation (romans 8); In the gospel, however, we repent because we are sorry for the sin and how it displeases and dishonors God. we acknowledge that Jesus suffered for our sin. "We do not have to make ourselves suffer to merit God’s forgiveness. We simply receive the forgiveness earned by Christ. God forgives us because he is just" (1 John 1:9). "The knowledge of our acceptance in Christ makes it easier to admit that we are flawed,
because we know we won’t be cast off if we confess the true depths of our sinfulness. Our hope is in
Christ’s righteousness, not our own, so it is not as traumatic to admit our weaknesses and lapses" and "this creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. The more we see our own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to us."
i wonder if my concern with being a more beautiful alice or a more hellish alice leads me to repentance that is religious or gospel. do i want to be more beautiful because i want to be pleasing to God and delight in a good relationship with Him or am i afraid of the consequences/ want to perfect myself? i think it's sometimes one and sometimes the other. i wonder which one it is more (if only the wii fit balance test which tells me i lean right more than left could help me out, tho i'm not sure i want to know the answer since the wii finds pleasure in making me feel weak)
Keller suggests these repentance reflections. I like them because I think I fail all of the questions.
Deep humility vs. Pride:
Have I looked down on anyone? Have I been too stung by criticism? Have I felt snubbed and ignored?
Repent like this: Consider the free grace of Jesus until I sense (a) decreasing disdain, since I am a sinner
too, and (b) decreasing pain over criticism, since I should not value human approval over God’s love. In
light of his grace, I can let go of the need to keep up a good image—it is too great a burden and is now
unnecessary. I reflect on free grace until I experience grateful, restful joy.
Wise courage (v. anxiety)
Have I avoided people or tasks that I know I should face? Have I been anxious and worried? Have I failed
to be circumspect, or have I been rash and impulsive?
Repent like this: Consider the free grace of Jesus until there is (a) no cowardly avoidance of hard things,
since Jesus faced evil for me, and (b) no anxious or rash behavior, since Jesus’ death proves that God
cares and will watch over me. It takes pride to be anxious, and I recognize I am not wise enough to
know how my life should go. I reflect on free grace until I experience calm thoughtfulness and strategic
boldness.
Burning love (v. indifference)
Have I spoken or thought unkindly of anyone? Am I justifying myself by caricaturing someone else in
my mind? Have I been impatient and irritable? Have I been self-absorbed, indifferent, and inattentive to
people?
Repent like this: Consider the free grace of Jesus until there is (a) no coldness or unkindness, as I think
of the sacrificial love of Christ for me, (b) no impatience, as I think of his patience with me, and (c) no
indifference, as I think of how God is infinitely attentive to me. I reflect on free grace until I show warmth
and affection.
Godly motivations (a "single eye")
Am I doing what I do for God’s glory and the good of others, or am I being driven by fears, need for
approval, love of comfort and ease, need for control, hunger for acclaim and power, or the fear of other
people (Luke 12:4–5)? Am I looking at anyone with envy? Am I giving in to even the first motions of lust
or gluttony? Am I spending my time on urgent things rather than important things because of these
inordinate desires?
Repent like this: Consider how the free grace of Jesus provides me with what I am looking for in these
other things. Pray, “Oh Lord Jesus, make me happy enough in you to avoid sin, and wise enough in you
to avoid danger, that I may always do what is right in your sight. In your name I pray, Amen.”
----
and so something about the new year (and actually having the energy to think) makes me want to address each and every one of these. but i'm always a bit wary of new years resolutions. wendy blight says, "...God knows too that these promises and resolutions are often grounded not in His Word but in our flesh. We focus on the end result and not on the process"
So being a more beautiful alice should not mean i am trying to be a "perfect specimen of what [God] can do" as Oswald Chambers warns. God's purpose is to make me one with Himself, not produce "specimens of holiness to put in His museum." It i because chambers says, "if you accept this concept of personal holiness, your life’s determined purpose will not be for God, but for what you call the evidence of God in your life." Hs okay that I feel like a bruised fruit alice sometimes instead of a wonderfully holy and perfect alice because it was "God’s will to bruise His own Son (Isaiah 53:10), why shouldn’t He bruise you? What shines forth and reveals God in your life is not your relative consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your genuine, living relationship with Jesus Christ, and your unrestrained devotion to Him whether you are well or sick."
Blight tells us to "examine your New Year's Resolution and prayerfully ask the Lord to reveal the heart issue behind it. Ask Him to lead you through His Word to verses that directly address what you hear."
"For the Word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires" Hebrews 4:12
I feel out of touch with the Word of God for some reason. I think it's because though I get glimpses of it through sermons and bible studies and small group, I haven't spent as much personal time in a book this year and maybe that has hazed my view of my innermost thoughts and desires. I once heard that I should look at the desire and not the sin.
Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (actually a book i really like even though i'm not effective) says that change must always start within. you can't change others (and ourselves) simply by changing personality traits, which is a secondary trait. you must start with the paradigm from which we see the world. ralph waldo emerson says, "what you are shouts so loudly in my ear that i can't hear what you say."
that's why my goal "not to procrastinate" which doesn't address my fears of being a failure and love of comfort is too weak. or even my goal to "keep in touch" which doesn't address my fear of commitment or insecurity of not being liked or simply again, my selfishness. but c.s. lewis also tells us to act like we love people even if the feelings aren't there yet. so how does it work? at some point i guess God has to do His thing.
i find it hard to "see others as better than me" - not because i think i'm the best at things, but because i am alice-centered. one thing that helps change my paradigm is c.s. lewis's idea on immortality:
(from this article http://www.cslewisinstitute.org/cslewis/7Insights.htm)
Immortality
"Walter Hooper (C.S. Lewis scholar) argues that C.S. Lewis's central idea was that all people are immortal. Lewis wrote: "There are no ordinary people. You have never met a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations, these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat." Lewis manifested this belief by writing personally to everyone who wrote to him (usually handwritten letters) and giving away all the proceeds of his books.
Hooper tells the story of a time when he was with Lewis and they were talking about a man who was very boring. Hooper told Lewis that the man succeeded in interesting him by the very intensity of his boredom. Lewis replied, "Yes, but let us not forget that Our Lord might well have said, "As ye have done it unto one of the least of these my bores, you have done it to me." In fact, Lewis felt that it was sometimes his duty to visit and help such people.
C.S. Lewis writes:
It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods
and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most
uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a
creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly
tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such
as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day
long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or
other of these destinations. It is in the light of these
overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the
circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct
all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all
loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people.
You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures,
arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to
ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we
joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—
immortal horrors or everlasting splendours
i wonder what that's like. to treat everyone i meet in a way that reflects their true worth. the fact that they are all immortal, possible gods and goddesses and so amazingly oved by God. how would that change the way i interact with my students, my family, even random strangers and the most insignificant and boring (or weirdest/drugged up) people i come in contact with.
yesterday i did something for someone else and it felt relieving/joyful. i've been feeling bitter about helping others/ doing things for others, but the few moments i am able to get over myself and do something simply because i see someone as important has done more wonders to my soul/ relieving me from the burden and drudgery of myself than hours of reflection and even prayer sometimes.
so maybe i should stop thinking and get up and be sweet to my family...who always takes such good care of me.
tim keller says all of life is repentence. he distinguishes two kinds of repentence:religious and gospel. Religious repentence is "selfish, self-righteous, and bitter all the way to the bottom." We repent because we fear the consequences of sin (punishment) but the gospel says sin cannot bring us into ultimate condemnation (romans 8); In the gospel, however, we repent because we are sorry for the sin and how it displeases and dishonors God. we acknowledge that Jesus suffered for our sin. "We do not have to make ourselves suffer to merit God’s forgiveness. We simply receive the forgiveness earned by Christ. God forgives us because he is just" (1 John 1:9). "The knowledge of our acceptance in Christ makes it easier to admit that we are flawed,
because we know we won’t be cast off if we confess the true depths of our sinfulness. Our hope is in
Christ’s righteousness, not our own, so it is not as traumatic to admit our weaknesses and lapses" and "this creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. The more we see our own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to us."
i wonder if my concern with being a more beautiful alice or a more hellish alice leads me to repentance that is religious or gospel. do i want to be more beautiful because i want to be pleasing to God and delight in a good relationship with Him or am i afraid of the consequences/ want to perfect myself? i think it's sometimes one and sometimes the other. i wonder which one it is more (if only the wii fit balance test which tells me i lean right more than left could help me out, tho i'm not sure i want to know the answer since the wii finds pleasure in making me feel weak)
Keller suggests these repentance reflections. I like them because I think I fail all of the questions.
Deep humility vs. Pride:
Have I looked down on anyone? Have I been too stung by criticism? Have I felt snubbed and ignored?
Repent like this: Consider the free grace of Jesus until I sense (a) decreasing disdain, since I am a sinner
too, and (b) decreasing pain over criticism, since I should not value human approval over God’s love. In
light of his grace, I can let go of the need to keep up a good image—it is too great a burden and is now
unnecessary. I reflect on free grace until I experience grateful, restful joy.
Wise courage (v. anxiety)
Have I avoided people or tasks that I know I should face? Have I been anxious and worried? Have I failed
to be circumspect, or have I been rash and impulsive?
Repent like this: Consider the free grace of Jesus until there is (a) no cowardly avoidance of hard things,
since Jesus faced evil for me, and (b) no anxious or rash behavior, since Jesus’ death proves that God
cares and will watch over me. It takes pride to be anxious, and I recognize I am not wise enough to
know how my life should go. I reflect on free grace until I experience calm thoughtfulness and strategic
boldness.
Burning love (v. indifference)
Have I spoken or thought unkindly of anyone? Am I justifying myself by caricaturing someone else in
my mind? Have I been impatient and irritable? Have I been self-absorbed, indifferent, and inattentive to
people?
Repent like this: Consider the free grace of Jesus until there is (a) no coldness or unkindness, as I think
of the sacrificial love of Christ for me, (b) no impatience, as I think of his patience with me, and (c) no
indifference, as I think of how God is infinitely attentive to me. I reflect on free grace until I show warmth
and affection.
Godly motivations (a "single eye")
Am I doing what I do for God’s glory and the good of others, or am I being driven by fears, need for
approval, love of comfort and ease, need for control, hunger for acclaim and power, or the fear of other
people (Luke 12:4–5)? Am I looking at anyone with envy? Am I giving in to even the first motions of lust
or gluttony? Am I spending my time on urgent things rather than important things because of these
inordinate desires?
Repent like this: Consider how the free grace of Jesus provides me with what I am looking for in these
other things. Pray, “Oh Lord Jesus, make me happy enough in you to avoid sin, and wise enough in you
to avoid danger, that I may always do what is right in your sight. In your name I pray, Amen.”
----
and so something about the new year (and actually having the energy to think) makes me want to address each and every one of these. but i'm always a bit wary of new years resolutions. wendy blight says, "...God knows too that these promises and resolutions are often grounded not in His Word but in our flesh. We focus on the end result and not on the process"
So being a more beautiful alice should not mean i am trying to be a "perfect specimen of what [God] can do" as Oswald Chambers warns. God's purpose is to make me one with Himself, not produce "specimens of holiness to put in His museum." It i because chambers says, "if you accept this concept of personal holiness, your life’s determined purpose will not be for God, but for what you call the evidence of God in your life." Hs okay that I feel like a bruised fruit alice sometimes instead of a wonderfully holy and perfect alice because it was "God’s will to bruise His own Son (Isaiah 53:10), why shouldn’t He bruise you? What shines forth and reveals God in your life is not your relative consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your genuine, living relationship with Jesus Christ, and your unrestrained devotion to Him whether you are well or sick."
Blight tells us to "examine your New Year's Resolution and prayerfully ask the Lord to reveal the heart issue behind it. Ask Him to lead you through His Word to verses that directly address what you hear."
"For the Word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires" Hebrews 4:12
I feel out of touch with the Word of God for some reason. I think it's because though I get glimpses of it through sermons and bible studies and small group, I haven't spent as much personal time in a book this year and maybe that has hazed my view of my innermost thoughts and desires. I once heard that I should look at the desire and not the sin.
Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (actually a book i really like even though i'm not effective) says that change must always start within. you can't change others (and ourselves) simply by changing personality traits, which is a secondary trait. you must start with the paradigm from which we see the world. ralph waldo emerson says, "what you are shouts so loudly in my ear that i can't hear what you say."
that's why my goal "not to procrastinate" which doesn't address my fears of being a failure and love of comfort is too weak. or even my goal to "keep in touch" which doesn't address my fear of commitment or insecurity of not being liked or simply again, my selfishness. but c.s. lewis also tells us to act like we love people even if the feelings aren't there yet. so how does it work? at some point i guess God has to do His thing.
i find it hard to "see others as better than me" - not because i think i'm the best at things, but because i am alice-centered. one thing that helps change my paradigm is c.s. lewis's idea on immortality:
(from this article http://www.cslewisinstitute.org/cslewis/7Insights.htm)
Immortality
"Walter Hooper (C.S. Lewis scholar) argues that C.S. Lewis's central idea was that all people are immortal. Lewis wrote: "There are no ordinary people. You have never met a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations, these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat." Lewis manifested this belief by writing personally to everyone who wrote to him (usually handwritten letters) and giving away all the proceeds of his books.
Hooper tells the story of a time when he was with Lewis and they were talking about a man who was very boring. Hooper told Lewis that the man succeeded in interesting him by the very intensity of his boredom. Lewis replied, "Yes, but let us not forget that Our Lord might well have said, "As ye have done it unto one of the least of these my bores, you have done it to me." In fact, Lewis felt that it was sometimes his duty to visit and help such people.
C.S. Lewis writes:
It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods
and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most
uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a
creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly
tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such
as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day
long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or
other of these destinations. It is in the light of these
overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the
circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct
all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all
loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people.
You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures,
arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to
ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we
joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—
immortal horrors or everlasting splendours
i wonder what that's like. to treat everyone i meet in a way that reflects their true worth. the fact that they are all immortal, possible gods and goddesses and so amazingly oved by God. how would that change the way i interact with my students, my family, even random strangers and the most insignificant and boring (or weirdest/drugged up) people i come in contact with.
yesterday i did something for someone else and it felt relieving/joyful. i've been feeling bitter about helping others/ doing things for others, but the few moments i am able to get over myself and do something simply because i see someone as important has done more wonders to my soul/ relieving me from the burden and drudgery of myself than hours of reflection and even prayer sometimes.
so maybe i should stop thinking and get up and be sweet to my family...who always takes such good care of me.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
my mom bought lots of clothes for me from taiwan. while she was shopping, the woman there convinced her she could wear some outfits as well, so she bought some for herself. she went to work wearing one of those long sweater with tights. only the tights were not regular tights. they were special, bunchy shiny tights. (i looked so good, she tells me). the next day the office got a memo: "We now have a dress code." and "No skin-tight pants" was listed multiple times. ("Were you so embarrassed?" I asked? "Of course not. I looked great. They were just jealous" mom replies.)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
little anecdotes from today.
my coworker's brother has been a huge pothead. a few months ago he developed this rash and thought he got food poisoning. he goes to the doctor who tells him it's some sort of allergic reaction - perhaps nuts. but months later he still gets the rash. the other day he comes home and tells his family, "i've found out what i'm allergic to." as it turns out, he's allergic to ...pot. his mother is so happy.
----
question for my sister's 8th grade homework. what part of speech is "swish" in "the blade went swish." i asked sasha who asked her english university professor father...who now wants to ask the entire department...we're guessing interjection?
----
as of monday i am having my entire schedule changed around so i will be teaching 3 preps (ap english, english IV, and senior project), 5 classes... and in 4 different classrooms (up and down the stairs). also, i will need to bring labtop carts up and down the elevator to three different rooms. instead of teaching 3 english IV classes and 1 writing class, the principal wants me to take charge of the senior project and teach 1 english IV class and 3 senior project class. i'm hoping God has a plan or something. also my students don't know about this yet...
not amazingly thrilled at this mess. not quite sure to pray for selflessness and hope or strength to fight. maybe a little wisdom and humility.
----
from the senior project proposal letter by my newest student (and for some reason a fan of mine...he comes to my room during his other classes/lunch to do my work and i have to kick him out): "for my senior project i am doing video game violence. all my video games are violent 90% are rated m - extremely violent adult. but i am the most unviolent person. video games are not the cause of violence" as i delete/edit a bunch of his ramblings, in particular the word "unviolent" to nonviolent, he tells me he liked the stuff he wrote and punches his desk really hard while exclaiming "ouch!" i look at him and say, really? unviolent?" he chuckles and continues working on his proposal letter...he's also the kid who told me last year that he drank all the chemicals in the science lab on the first day of school and then made himself throw up.
---
today i high-fived a kid for not falling asleep in my class (yesterday's big step) and completing the 5 sentences of his opening activity (today's big step)! yayy...baby steps!
-----
i am a slow person, so why do i feel like sometimes 3 times the amount of things are happening in one litle moment?
i saw a yalie i knew sitting outside the art room at school today. i know you, i said. we figured it was from dwight hall through amy rothschild. but maybe i was hallucinating because at the same time i was pulled to a group and was showed off to the visitor from a university to our school by one person. and being told i was not allowed to give up my lunch (i hadn't! i ate TWO frozen dinners, including a pizza) to meet with a student by another person. then my student who is failing my class and now no longer allowed to meet with me during lunch told me he'd go library so he wouldn't get me in trouble even tho he had my class in 3 minutes. and so now i knew he'd be late. then i rushed back to my classroom to teach the next class...3/4 of whom had ditched yesterday because it had been the second to last period of a half-day. kinda feeling connected to holden caulfield in the insanity piece. except the girl facebook friended me. at least facebook is real. so i think it actually happened. tgif(acebok).
---
i keep watching 3 episodes of tv every night. i think it's to keep me from falling too deeply into the chaos of school.
----
i cut my hair when i feel stressed. probably a control thing. i now have bangs. =)
my coworker's brother has been a huge pothead. a few months ago he developed this rash and thought he got food poisoning. he goes to the doctor who tells him it's some sort of allergic reaction - perhaps nuts. but months later he still gets the rash. the other day he comes home and tells his family, "i've found out what i'm allergic to." as it turns out, he's allergic to ...pot. his mother is so happy.
----
question for my sister's 8th grade homework. what part of speech is "swish" in "the blade went swish." i asked sasha who asked her english university professor father...who now wants to ask the entire department...we're guessing interjection?
----
as of monday i am having my entire schedule changed around so i will be teaching 3 preps (ap english, english IV, and senior project), 5 classes... and in 4 different classrooms (up and down the stairs). also, i will need to bring labtop carts up and down the elevator to three different rooms. instead of teaching 3 english IV classes and 1 writing class, the principal wants me to take charge of the senior project and teach 1 english IV class and 3 senior project class. i'm hoping God has a plan or something. also my students don't know about this yet...
not amazingly thrilled at this mess. not quite sure to pray for selflessness and hope or strength to fight. maybe a little wisdom and humility.
----
from the senior project proposal letter by my newest student (and for some reason a fan of mine...he comes to my room during his other classes/lunch to do my work and i have to kick him out): "for my senior project i am doing video game violence. all my video games are violent 90% are rated m - extremely violent adult. but i am the most unviolent person. video games are not the cause of violence" as i delete/edit a bunch of his ramblings, in particular the word "unviolent" to nonviolent, he tells me he liked the stuff he wrote and punches his desk really hard while exclaiming "ouch!" i look at him and say, really? unviolent?" he chuckles and continues working on his proposal letter...he's also the kid who told me last year that he drank all the chemicals in the science lab on the first day of school and then made himself throw up.
---
today i high-fived a kid for not falling asleep in my class (yesterday's big step) and completing the 5 sentences of his opening activity (today's big step)! yayy...baby steps!
-----
i am a slow person, so why do i feel like sometimes 3 times the amount of things are happening in one litle moment?
i saw a yalie i knew sitting outside the art room at school today. i know you, i said. we figured it was from dwight hall through amy rothschild. but maybe i was hallucinating because at the same time i was pulled to a group and was showed off to the visitor from a university to our school by one person. and being told i was not allowed to give up my lunch (i hadn't! i ate TWO frozen dinners, including a pizza) to meet with a student by another person. then my student who is failing my class and now no longer allowed to meet with me during lunch told me he'd go library so he wouldn't get me in trouble even tho he had my class in 3 minutes. and so now i knew he'd be late. then i rushed back to my classroom to teach the next class...3/4 of whom had ditched yesterday because it had been the second to last period of a half-day. kinda feeling connected to holden caulfield in the insanity piece. except the girl facebook friended me. at least facebook is real. so i think it actually happened. tgif(acebok).
---
i keep watching 3 episodes of tv every night. i think it's to keep me from falling too deeply into the chaos of school.
----
i cut my hair when i feel stressed. probably a control thing. i now have bangs. =)
Saturday, September 25, 2010
"And whoseoever shall compell thee to go a mile, go with him twain." - Matthew 5:41
Every day my quiet time seems to speak directly to what God's been revealing to me. Today, Oswald Chambers wrote, " 'I have chosen you.' That is the way the grace of God begins...Our Lord's making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are easy to us naturally; He only asks us to do the things we are perfectly fitted to do by His grace, and the cross will come along that line always."
All last year I wondered, why am I stuck here? I don't like teaching and the only way I remained sane was praying for a better day. I didn't like doing something I was not good at and facing people whom I saw as having too much attitude and too little respect. Too big of a self-image and too little drive. I felt like my personality simply did not fit my position and I coveted people who were good at their jobs. I prayed and prayed to be a better teacher. I convinced myself that it was all right if some kids didn't like me too much (some of the "good" ones did at least). I was there to teach, not to be liked. But secretly (or not so secretly) I really like being liked.
I've always been the type of person to recover easily. The technique is to live with a sort of cynical sort of happiness that I don't care too much about something - relationships, image, etc. It was a wall built by stripping away the importance of anything that was seemingly impossible for me to have. Yet Isaiah Berlin says, "The logical culmination of the process of destroying everything through which I can possibly be wounded is suicide."
I've been pondering that quote for a week. I realize that I'm often afraid to put myself wholly into something because I don't like being dissapointed. I don't see myself as a go-all-out person, though I've always admired those people/ found them a bit foolish, albeit wonderfully so. Last week I decided I'd step over the ledge a bit and be a go all-out person when it came to my kids and getting my kids into college. I wasn't just going to be polite and distant. I really wanted my kids to succeed, and I wasn't going to be so deficient of hope to do all I could to fight for that.
2 Peter 1:7 says, "Add to yoru brotherliness...love." Oswald Chambers says, "You won't reach it on tiptoe." Every day I pray for love. Even more so, I pray for hope. I want to be positive and not miserable no matter how little appreciation I seem to receive. In small group we talked about how God has commissioned us to live for Him, not seek the approval of those we're serving. I've realized that it is only recently that I truly care more about being right with God than being on good terms with my kids.
And it is only recently that my kids have expressed appreciation for me. Last year, I had some students who talked about enjoying my class, but it was only a few. This year, for some reason I have a class that I know loves being there. They respect and support each other and really want to learn. I have students from my other classes who I'm told "love me." That is bizarre. And I am joyful yet nervous that a) people are fickle and b)I will forget that this only came to me through hope in God and the determination to serve Him not gain approval from people.
I still don't think I am naturally a good high school teacher. I don't like speaking in front of people, being the leader...and talking is definitely not my best form of communication. I'm not organized, and I really don't like mean people. Plus I like little kids. Yet I have the hope that God is enough. I realize that teaching is not simply being in front of the class, being organized, speaking clearly, and telling people to do things. Teaching involves exuding hope, and I can only do so by trusting in God so that I can be comfortable and let my kids in. I tell more stories now. I listen more and am more willing to admit I am wrong rather than see poorly communicated annoyances by them as attacks. I've learned from other teachers that sometimes an outpouring of kindness is the appropriate response to a rude comment. Ironically, those days I am more relaxed and more kind rather than "stubborn," my kids have listened more and cared more. And I end the day more positive. I think I finally love my kids. I haven't been able to say that until now.
Every day my quiet time seems to speak directly to what God's been revealing to me. Today, Oswald Chambers wrote, " 'I have chosen you.' That is the way the grace of God begins...Our Lord's making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are easy to us naturally; He only asks us to do the things we are perfectly fitted to do by His grace, and the cross will come along that line always."
All last year I wondered, why am I stuck here? I don't like teaching and the only way I remained sane was praying for a better day. I didn't like doing something I was not good at and facing people whom I saw as having too much attitude and too little respect. Too big of a self-image and too little drive. I felt like my personality simply did not fit my position and I coveted people who were good at their jobs. I prayed and prayed to be a better teacher. I convinced myself that it was all right if some kids didn't like me too much (some of the "good" ones did at least). I was there to teach, not to be liked. But secretly (or not so secretly) I really like being liked.
I've always been the type of person to recover easily. The technique is to live with a sort of cynical sort of happiness that I don't care too much about something - relationships, image, etc. It was a wall built by stripping away the importance of anything that was seemingly impossible for me to have. Yet Isaiah Berlin says, "The logical culmination of the process of destroying everything through which I can possibly be wounded is suicide."
I've been pondering that quote for a week. I realize that I'm often afraid to put myself wholly into something because I don't like being dissapointed. I don't see myself as a go-all-out person, though I've always admired those people/ found them a bit foolish, albeit wonderfully so. Last week I decided I'd step over the ledge a bit and be a go all-out person when it came to my kids and getting my kids into college. I wasn't just going to be polite and distant. I really wanted my kids to succeed, and I wasn't going to be so deficient of hope to do all I could to fight for that.
2 Peter 1:7 says, "Add to yoru brotherliness...love." Oswald Chambers says, "You won't reach it on tiptoe." Every day I pray for love. Even more so, I pray for hope. I want to be positive and not miserable no matter how little appreciation I seem to receive. In small group we talked about how God has commissioned us to live for Him, not seek the approval of those we're serving. I've realized that it is only recently that I truly care more about being right with God than being on good terms with my kids.
And it is only recently that my kids have expressed appreciation for me. Last year, I had some students who talked about enjoying my class, but it was only a few. This year, for some reason I have a class that I know loves being there. They respect and support each other and really want to learn. I have students from my other classes who I'm told "love me." That is bizarre. And I am joyful yet nervous that a) people are fickle and b)I will forget that this only came to me through hope in God and the determination to serve Him not gain approval from people.
I still don't think I am naturally a good high school teacher. I don't like speaking in front of people, being the leader...and talking is definitely not my best form of communication. I'm not organized, and I really don't like mean people. Plus I like little kids. Yet I have the hope that God is enough. I realize that teaching is not simply being in front of the class, being organized, speaking clearly, and telling people to do things. Teaching involves exuding hope, and I can only do so by trusting in God so that I can be comfortable and let my kids in. I tell more stories now. I listen more and am more willing to admit I am wrong rather than see poorly communicated annoyances by them as attacks. I've learned from other teachers that sometimes an outpouring of kindness is the appropriate response to a rude comment. Ironically, those days I am more relaxed and more kind rather than "stubborn," my kids have listened more and cared more. And I end the day more positive. I think I finally love my kids. I haven't been able to say that until now.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
does coming up witha title here even matter in the grand scheme of things?
there's currently a big sign set up downstairs that says "don't count the days. make the days count." as i am in the habit of counting days (crossing each day off happily or woefully), i start to think...
What if my view on life had the following premises:
1) God is in every moment.(every blink as it connects to every other blink i've ever had/will have. and in the very thread that weaves this moment with all other moments in my life and in the lives of others near far, future, past, present)
2)God can be revealed through every moment/ experience/ breath.
3)God is willing to be known.
4)I cannot even begin to fathom how deeply and brightly God's presence is embedded in each moment.
5)Everything i currently see and believe/ believe that i know is tainted at least in part with assumptions, ignorance, sin...all of which serve to distort my awareness of truth and lead me towards hopelessness, lovelessness, death.
6) the outcome of #5 is not inevitable/permanent. truth has come to set us free :D
7) "What we learn from experience depends on the kind of philosophy we bring to experience" (C.S. Lewis, Miracles)
8) God's way is always best, and just because i don't understand it,just because my understanding is clouded with all the stuff i currently hang onto/ drip in doesn't mean I can't follow Him to the best of my knowledge/strength even if i don't understand why he wants it that way.
maybe that would mean, as the cliche would have it, that every moment counts. that prayer brings us in deeper relationship with Him, not so much to dictate what He should do, but in one way, to draw us to Him and to help us seek Him first...help us to seek Him in every moment,perhaps allowing us(or at least setting up the groundwork for a future ability) to see Him in that moment (and in countless others)...unveiling another layer of blindness from our souls and hearts. i wonder if i believed all this, what conclusions i could come to, how i would treat people, and what joy, peace, adventure life would be.
What if my view on life had the following premises:
1) God is in every moment.(every blink as it connects to every other blink i've ever had/will have. and in the very thread that weaves this moment with all other moments in my life and in the lives of others near far, future, past, present)
2)God can be revealed through every moment/ experience/ breath.
3)God is willing to be known.
4)I cannot even begin to fathom how deeply and brightly God's presence is embedded in each moment.
5)Everything i currently see and believe/ believe that i know is tainted at least in part with assumptions, ignorance, sin...all of which serve to distort my awareness of truth and lead me towards hopelessness, lovelessness, death.
6) the outcome of #5 is not inevitable/permanent. truth has come to set us free :D
7) "What we learn from experience depends on the kind of philosophy we bring to experience" (C.S. Lewis, Miracles)
8) God's way is always best, and just because i don't understand it,just because my understanding is clouded with all the stuff i currently hang onto/ drip in doesn't mean I can't follow Him to the best of my knowledge/strength even if i don't understand why he wants it that way.
maybe that would mean, as the cliche would have it, that every moment counts. that prayer brings us in deeper relationship with Him, not so much to dictate what He should do, but in one way, to draw us to Him and to help us seek Him first...help us to seek Him in every moment,perhaps allowing us(or at least setting up the groundwork for a future ability) to see Him in that moment (and in countless others)...unveiling another layer of blindness from our souls and hearts. i wonder if i believed all this, what conclusions i could come to, how i would treat people, and what joy, peace, adventure life would be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)