mirror mirror 20 degrees on the wall

i have a flattering mirror. the angle in which it is placed makes me look taller and fit (sorta). t has noticed it too and pointed it out. t is beautiful. she keeps an unflattering mirror in her room. i had almost forgotten mine was a flattering mirror (but now i remember and in the process of actively forgetting)

there's a missing piece in my mirror from falling off the armoire one day. j is a believer of the 7 years of bad luck. i don't believe in it, but this year has been tough. i suppose even though i don't believe in luck, i believe in bad. i stuck a sign covering the hole: "look for beauty (beyond the mirror)."

we have a certain way of ignoring things when we get caught up in the clutches (obsessions) of the here and now.

some days i look at the mirror and think i see something attractive. sometimes i see the opposite and spend countless hours ripping apart the closet to remedy that (to remedy me) if not just for the next few hours, ignoring the sign on the hole on the mirror and the sign of a growing gap in the heart as well. other times i just get disgusted or give up and figure looks don't matter anyway and that i can be a better person by just forgetting about silly things such as these. those times i congratulate myself for being secure. but perhaps it's really just insecurity about my insecurity.

very rarely do i see the beauty beyond the reflection.

and even rarer do i see the beauty beyond who i am on what they call the inside.

in a way we're blinded by thoughts of what has become the glorified "inside". thoughts of look, i am growing/i am a better person. question of am i good? am i beautiful inside? too much of these now distract us from the real source and thwart actual growth, goodness, and beauty. when the focus is on me, no transformation can occur. when we see simply the reflection of ourselves in the now, we can't be pulled beyond and see our actual true self (which is no longer us, but Him who is beyond). something needs to be poured in and others cut out (yes, crucified). it's simple. we can't be mixing the same material over and over again (naval gazing) if we are to ever become something else. and we can't become something else if we're focusing our thoughts and hopes on ourselves, even ourselves becoming something else.

and so sometimes we see what's before us and forget what's in us. then sometimes we get caught up with what is in us that we don't realize that our desire to see only who we are right now actually prevents us from becoming who we are meant to be. and who we are meant to be (our truest of true selves) is no longer us but part of something greater with someone greater now living in us. so we couldn't possibly become true if we didn't seek Him first (over even getting our little selves to become more like Him). if we get so caught up by where we are in our process of becoming who we are meant to be, being so pleased with how we're growing, we detain ourselves from being immersed in the source that allows us to do so.

a sign of the ill is too much dreaming about being someone who loves the world, loving the idea of love, when we do not actually act in ways of love towards our closest neighbors; and when we cannot serve in the most mundane of ways rather than clinging on to illusions and dreams of self-glorifying sacrifices. love and beauty then remain faraway ideas only.

and even now as i type this, i'm moving towards that which i have proclaimed we ought to avoid. because honestly i'm seeking distractions. it's a sort of spiritual inertia that means turning my eyes upwards and beyond is just about the hardest thing in the world right now.

but as i recall, sometimes all it takes is just giving this too a chance. the hardest thing often takes the simplest step towards allowing oneself to be carried the rest of the way.