=)

once in a while i feel alive. my head is pounding. i woke up dreaming about monkeys, courtney cox, and dressing up like a monkey to fight courtney cox. but i'm listening to lucas's "to the end of the age" and am wondering if moments skip across time to form vibrant pillars that burst through the blindness of the humdrum.

there are a few times i stop struggling to redeem myself, when i stop trying to heal myself, stop gasping to create an identity. i realize once again that i would stop trying to figure out what to do all the time if i just remembered who i am. loved, redeemed. and there's a promise. a perfect love.

so maybe moments connect because i'm taken suddenly back to tiffy, ucw preterm retreat, and allergies mistaken for being moved by the spirit (tiffy and i would not stop blowing our noses during worship because we were allergic to the room and lucas thought the spirit was moving us). tho now 3 years later, methinks maybe it wasn't simply allergies. that moment, this song, delayed 3 years - in conjunction with to this recent shower where for a moment i stopped trying to save myself - moves me now. the spirit is always working across time and imagination. is this clarity? do i see Him yet?

22They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. 23He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, "Do you see anything?"

24He looked up and said, "I see people; they look like trees walking around."

25Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.

and then what about the day to day 3 years in between moments of clarity? what happened there? the other day i heard that waiting was the material for faith. it is in the day to day that faith grows.

and of course here we go forth. i am already redeemed. the war is already won. will i forget as i get swept away by the world? remember remember remember. the war is already won.

Him Him Him Him Him.