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today i went back to read a letter. I wrote to some of my friends in July 2008. I am in need of a reminder/inspiration of a time when there existed a more beautiful alice who could see eden and the world as simple and good, before i began nibbling on some fruit of wordly wisdom...

july 2008:

I'm hovering between alternate worlds, and maybe I've fallen off the face of the earth for a few of you, so I apologize, but I've also felt quite alive recently even amidst (maybe because of) some struggles. One other thing I've learned is that as intern at work and the youngest of 4 generations at home, I am very low on the food chain. I have been learning humility as people are all doing things for me that I can't repay but also expecting me to fit into their plans and ideas. I think I am getting better - in fact, the other day, I was walking toward a narrow pass and stepped aside for the dog that was walking in the opposite direction. (By the way, people in China call their dogs "Er Zi" - Son.)

Anyway, we just had the annual Summer Camp for Children Affected by AIDS for 98 children from all around China who have been affected by AIDS. We had our opening ceremony and a reception for the Olympics last Saturday. http://www.unicef.org/infobycountry/china_45156.html For that, we chose 8 happy, energetic children who we could have perform a short skit. We worked with them all day and they became our kids. Our hope for the show was to show that these kids are just like any other kid - they like playing and relaxing. And they were so great in their performance for government leaders, queens, actors, etc.　We were so proud of them as they came out, but before I realized it, I saw that my spunkiest girl was crying. And she was saying she missed her mom so much. The skit had really reminded them of their situation even though we were hoping to take the focus away from the sad part. I took her away from the group asked her to tell me about her mom. She said she had never met her parents and didn't know why they abandoned her. I told her it was true that not knowing your parents is terrible, but in life there are still lots of chances to be loved and to love. I did not know what to say and knew nothing I said would “fix it”. I could only offer her alternatives, but replacing “mother” is really hard. She said in grade-school people said not to play with her and looked down on her. I told her how much we all admired her and how everyone had said how wonderful she was. And if you thought about it, the sort of behavior that looked down on others because of their family situation is saddest. Then the other girl who came out to comfort her turned to me and said her situation's basically the same. And my heart broke and continued to break at moments throughout the time we spent with the kiddies. Two more cried at night, but I won't go into detail.

My prettiest 10 year old said all the boys in her class used to have a crush on her but not anymore because she pinches them! She asked me where to pinch boys to make them hurt the most, and I said I couldn't tell her that. It's so strange to spend so much time with her loving her for who she is to you and then learn that in another world she has lost both her parents and they just had to sell their house. Before the camp, I had collected a few biographies about the kids who were at that time still strangers. When I went back and read about the family situation of my flirty 15 year old boy who I can only describe as naturally "cool" and yet affectionate or my 17 year old who is always smiling and amazingly muscular I realized why the first one grasped onto my male coworker's so much or why the other had so much muscle. Anyway, I won't go into detail anymore because mainly I was amazed by my kids. In fact, at the end, I think I was crying and some little girl was like, "ah yi" (auntie) and motioned for me to smile. I really am just a little kid too and I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do.

Three moments when I felt love and truth in my kids.

Convo with my 10 year old girl:

- How far do you live?

- Mm about 20 minutes from here.

- Ok! I'll tell the taxi to drive for 20 minutes then and then I'll see you.

Basically, that's what I feel like I'm doing. Digging away at time, hoping to find something out there. I guess I need the faith that as hopeless and lost as I feel, I will actually get there.

At training on their rights:

- When I grow up I want to be a tour guide and show the world the beautiful Yunnan. And when he grows up, he wants to be the president of the UN

- (laughter in the room)

- Everyone stop laughing. Don't laugh! No one laugh. This may be a dream now, but it'll be a reality in the future.

I so admire this girl's confidence and idealism and faith that dreams will be reality and the weak will be strong, the poor rich. We sang “Tomorrow will be better” before the performances, and I could see how she really epitomized the spirit. And I so admire her ability to speak up and stand firm for what she believes.

The "cool" kid

- I'll wait for you guys. We will leave together.

- Oh, but your dorm is closing.

- It's ok, if they close the door, I'll just knock and they'll open it for me.

I think what makes my 15 year old kid cool is that he sees past boundaries that keep us from getting closer to each other or reaching out to each other. He wasn't too cool to wave to us in front of all the other kids, and although he cared about how he looked, he knew what he wanted and lived by that. He didn't talk much but when he did, everyone listened. When he got extra presents, he distributed them amongst the younger kids who didn't get them. In so many instances, he "broke" the rule, whether social, or set by the camp, but it was for his own reasons which he never made a big deal about - he just did it, and his way was better I have to admit.

Anyway, as I said, it was very hard seeing them leave, knowing that life would not be easy. I really cried out that God would take care of them because I wouldn’t see them. And I realized that I just had to cling onto the hope that some difference was made even if I couldn’t fix anything.


So here I am in China. 1.3 billion plus people all thinking about their lives and I wonder what they're thinking about. I bet at least 20 of them are having the same thought as　I am at this moment. How many people will I meet? I meet random people on the subway because I like asking strangers questions. Someone told me the other day that that's not safe and that I can meet friends in other ways. But I think good friends are hard to meet if you refuse to break something.
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june 2010:
it's like this: 4 year old alice puts all her dolls on the bed, terrified to move in case any of them will fall on the ground. she thought that she could save them from the evils that surrounded her if she kept them on the bed and touched at least one part of each of them. 16 year old alice wanted to become a nun and love orphaned baby girls from china. she would adopt multi-colored children. maybe marry rich to support her orphanage. but he would have to live far away. 20 year old alice afraid that the way she thought about doing things wasnot going to be "smart." also realized that orphanages are bad. nevertheless, 20 year old alice was excited about possibilities and knew that strength came from God. secretly she worried that she couldn't give enough but sought strength to give more.

and then this year. i'm afraid this year i have grown more careful. experiencing tfa makes me so tired i'm afraid of giving sometimes. i realize the importance of rest and am blessed by it when i "do it" right (my small group is studying it as a spiritual discipline series and it's so good)...but sometimes i'm afraid i won't be rested enough if i keep giving. it's painful to attempt to give and not immediately experience the joys and fruit, but rather unappreciative and sometimes hateful comments, laziness, and worse of all, the limitations of your own ability to give and love. and i'm afraid each week thatthat i won't survive the week. survival mode is very much less beautiful than save the world mode,even if i know both are faulty representations of God's love. i've moved past holden's catcher-in-the rye a bit (maybe i'll return still) but i don't think i've entered somewhere i'd rather be either. and it makes me confused and distrustful of myself and my view of the world. for example, i'm interested in law, but i'm hoping it is not because it's the "safe" option. i can't tell whether i'm more afraid of being traditionally successful -at the risk of losing an identity of being quirky and "different" - or if i'm more afraid of being foolish and not following the advice of my mother. of course life isn't about fear. and identity is more than either or (yes it's about God). nevertheless, i'd like some clarity.

today's qt:
"But I am convinced that the right side of pain can only be accessed through the house of God, a house built not by human hands, but held up by the beams of the Cross. Here our souls find a house with rooms prepared for them and a table set with room for our enemies. God has invited us into the kingdom; the doors of a great house are opened wide. And it is a house where hospitality is not a conditional sharing of personal pains, or a self-centered preoccupation with suffering, but an extension of Christ's invitation: Come to me, all who are weary and I will give you rest."

my hope is that i'm entering the house of God and not some other house more selfish and wordly wise. my 16 year old dreams seem so far away all of a sudden. the world doesn't look very beautiful, and i live by the motto, you don't see the world as it is, you see it as you are. so what am i? today i realized i need to stop from the doing and go back to the being. where is my heart, my identity, my hopes and dreams? where am i putting God, or the other way around, rather...so how does one grow older and wiser but still remain on the right side of pain in this world? and for that matter, hope? how does one not get swept up by the pain and seek to simply survive rather than to love? in a way that's what has happened to me and tfa. i'm so caught up by the flaws of my inabilities and the achievement gap that i feel a victim myself. it's no longer the messiah complex i suffer from, but rather...i'm so weary myself now too...how do i love when i feel small? maybe it takes accepting an invitation and entering a house with joy to simply share it with others...rather than seeking to construct one myself. of course. but i have no clue where to begin. maybe more prayer and less grasping onto clumsy thoughts.

today

i suddenly want to learn as much as i can. and so i'm reading this education law textbook and listening to a yale open lecture on the politics of food at the same time. what is this sudden thirst for knowledge? i must think more about it, but it is exhillerating regardless. now if only i knew how to spell exhilerating. exhillerating. nope.


today i wasted paper. today i felt a bit jealous. today i woke up recognizing that i was in a "mood."

today i finished all my grading and tomorrow's planning at school.

today i read holocaust poetry with my students and found out that just about every one of my students in my 6th period has a "this is personal but i'm gonna tell you" story when it comes to telling kids too young to understand death about death. i realize over and over how much insight into life my students reveal each day- how amazing they all are, and how often i am drowning, overwhelmed by it all that i don't realize the significance of what they say nor understand the beauty and blessing it is to be in their life.


today one of my worst kids (someone who is always suspended, who comes into the room and disrupts by throwing and cursing) participated wonderfully and then said, "i'm really interested in the holocaust. this is a decent class. i wish i'd known, but now it's too late." i didn't say anything, because grade-wise he's right. he's going to fail because of all the classes he's missed due to "administrative, legal, personal, etc." stuff (same old story). but he shined today. he was wonderful. maybe that's worth something. in fact, i'm sure it is. and i pray, i hope that's not the end. today i may have missed a moment to tell him something about that because i was too busy deciding whether or not to say it... or maybe it's not lost. who knows.

he told me "teacher-student" confidentiality - i'm not sure that exists. i do know i'm a mandatory reporter on other things. i'm still trying to figure out what it means to be a teacher. which jerusalems to build, which berlins to tear down. today my last period class finally figured out a mystery about the text that i had been wondering all day. i must realize that my students are beacons of light as the cliche goes; and as i lead or mislead, i just trust that God uses me.

what has life become that we limit ourselves to hours and days and grades and pay...laws and roles...and then there's the terrible "we are what we do" we are not what we do. we are much more. love is much more. and so is grace. when will we realize that an amazing worth and wonder is in ourselves and in others? understand, yes not just briefly, but deeply and truly.

oh yea. today i also watched desperate housewives, and i'm okay with that. at least for now.

as far as the future is concerned, today i go to sleep, not dreading tomorrow. tomorrow should be an adventure.