IT

IT happens when you're brutally expelled from the safety of the womb, your body and soul once connected to someone's else's as though your life depended on it (they did)- now cut. somehow you're still alive.

you discover "the outside"- and also the pretty lady with the familiar voice who picks things up every time you throw them on the ground.

then IT happens again when you're 3 and just discovering the pretty lady who squeals every time you call mama, loses what you think is a vital part of playing mama - that is, rushing over whenever you call. she has now put you in preschool. you cry everyday.


one day at preschool you discover the club. boys vs. girls. you find people who seem to share something with you and that becomes the strongest barrier and inclusion factor - you're settled and safe once again. teddy invites you to his birthday party but you don't go because he's a boy and hence smelly and bad and unloved by santa clause whom he doesn't believe in either (because he's a boy and smelly and bad).

as you grow older, you start a jaj and an i hate boys club and wonder why that pretty girl stranger is talking to that ugly boy stranger. you put that in your spy notebook w/ data of the weird. in that notebook you also have a list of people you don't like. with "the club," you have find the strength of the collective to climb out of the sunday school window because the substitute won't let you pee. he pulls you back. he's now on the black list too.

one day your best friend in the club talks to someone on the "don't like" list. you cry in the bathroom. later you discover that that person aint so bad.

one day your best friend says "we shouldn't have a club called i hate boys." she starts talking about boys more often. she has a crush on casper the friendly ghost (you've shamelessly read it in her diary). you ask your friend jessica what crush means (you imagine it's getting very very hurt by something heavy...you're close.)
you still hate boys (now even more).

but then one day there's that cute boy that starts making you smile when you think of him - of course you never tell him that tho you chat w/ him every day. one day many many many years later when IT has already happened and you have pretty much stopped talking, you mention the crush. it's not a big deal anymore.

IT happens again when your best friend moves away. the girl that always watches movies with you has found another group of friends too. this reminds you of how the girl who used to live behind you and play donald duck and daisy when you were 7 stopped answering your knocks.

but now you're in high school and realize that after 4 years of celebrating birthdays and eating lunch with the same people, you've found your way into a Group.

the group is not without problems...not everyone likes everyone else anymore...but it's still the Group.

then you graduate and go to college.

in college, people want lots of friends, not just a Group. and no one has the same schedule as you. you miss your Group. you live for breaks.

but admist the sea of awesome tho busy people who seem to already have best friends, you find a few whom you might call good friends. you grow secure in you relationship with them and rely on them to be there and thinking about you as much as you think about them, wanting to see you as much as you want to see them.

then one day that too changes. they're busier, one bye one, dashing into Relationships or poking holes at your little bubble of friendship. and one by one these Relationship start taking precedence over yours.

then you wonder if the next step is to count losse and move on. if you should just put your love and time in new people or anyone at all.


then you wonder if you ever loved really loved people if your love depended on feeling secure in the relationship.

you seek other sources of security.

God waits. He's been waiting for years. You think of Him briefly, not knowing what to expect. Somehow you receive.

you realize you can love people better. you realize you never really lost the people you've always loved. you receive visits and timely emails from people you haven't heard from in a while.

the insecurity of the world excites you so long as you have that security in God. sometimes it's hard work simply believing. The Bible says that's the only work God wants from you.

but at night it gets tiring. you struggle on and you grow with God.

you wonder what it's like to see the child you've raised all these years go off to elementary school or college or even one day, get married. or when mama gets older and older. or when your spouse does too. you'll probably cry a lot if you still do that. you'll probably hug your pillow (the one you've had since childhood) very hard and give it lots of kisses. if you're wise or desperate (you're always desperate), you might pray. maybe you'll even be expecting IT and good at dealing with IT by now. probably not. but it's probably better and you're probably stronger now that you can see more clearly the One who will never leave you. you realize IT helps you reevaluate where you put your worth. as good as IT is for your maturity, you wish you could just escape IT just this one time. but God continues to give you, IT... and somehow you survive. you realize every single relationship is not just between two people, but contribute to, is bound by, and is actively part of another connection. one that you must never lose because this is one thing your life does depends on. in fact, as long as that umbilical link is connected to the right place, you don't just survive, you become more alive in the midst of IT.