i've recently been worried that i am becoming a worse alice, that instead of getting more beautiful and christlike i am practicing more selfishness and fear in relationships and work. perhaps part of it is really that the circumstances in my life never brought out this worse alice and i always had the propensity to be this version of me... but that doesn't negate the fact that i have been practicing indulging in it so that i gradually move away from where I want to be. on the otherhand, maybe i am just seeing more clearly how terribly sinful i am and have always been.
tim keller says all of life is repentence. he distinguishes two kinds of repentence:religious and gospel. Religious repentence is "selfish, self-righteous, and bitter all the way to the bottom." We repent because we fear the consequences of sin (punishment) but the gospel says sin cannot bring us into ultimate condemnation (romans 8); In the gospel, however, we repent because we are sorry for the sin and how it displeases and dishonors God. we acknowledge that Jesus suffered for our sin. "We do not have to make ourselves suffer to merit God’s forgiveness. We simply receive the forgiveness earned by Christ. God forgives us because he is just" (1 John 1:9). "The knowledge of our acceptance in Christ makes it easier to admit that we are flawed,
because we know we won’t be cast off if we confess the true depths of our sinfulness. Our hope is in
Christ’s righteousness, not our own, so it is not as traumatic to admit our weaknesses and lapses" and "this creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. The more we see our own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to us."
i wonder if my concern with being a more beautiful alice or a more hellish alice leads me to repentance that is religious or gospel. do i want to be more beautiful because i want to be pleasing to God and delight in a good relationship with Him or am i afraid of the consequences/ want to perfect myself? i think it's sometimes one and sometimes the other. i wonder which one it is more (if only the wii fit balance test which tells me i lean right more than left could help me out, tho i'm not sure i want to know the answer since the wii finds pleasure in making me feel weak)
Keller suggests these repentance reflections. I like them because I think I fail all of the questions.
Deep humility vs. Pride:
Have I looked down on anyone? Have I been too stung by criticism? Have I felt snubbed and ignored?
Repent like this: Consider the free grace of Jesus until I sense (a) decreasing disdain, since I am a sinner
too, and (b) decreasing pain over criticism, since I should not value human approval over God’s love. In
light of his grace, I can let go of the need to keep up a good image—it is too great a burden and is now
unnecessary. I reflect on free grace until I experience grateful, restful joy.
Wise courage (v. anxiety)
Have I avoided people or tasks that I know I should face? Have I been anxious and worried? Have I failed
to be circumspect, or have I been rash and impulsive?
Repent like this: Consider the free grace of Jesus until there is (a) no cowardly avoidance of hard things,
since Jesus faced evil for me, and (b) no anxious or rash behavior, since Jesus’ death proves that God
cares and will watch over me. It takes pride to be anxious, and I recognize I am not wise enough to
know how my life should go. I reflect on free grace until I experience calm thoughtfulness and strategic
boldness.
Burning love (v. indifference)
Have I spoken or thought unkindly of anyone? Am I justifying myself by caricaturing someone else in
my mind? Have I been impatient and irritable? Have I been self-absorbed, indifferent, and inattentive to
people?
Repent like this: Consider the free grace of Jesus until there is (a) no coldness or unkindness, as I think
of the sacrificial love of Christ for me, (b) no impatience, as I think of his patience with me, and (c) no
indifference, as I think of how God is infinitely attentive to me. I reflect on free grace until I show warmth
and affection.
Godly motivations (a "single eye")
Am I doing what I do for God’s glory and the good of others, or am I being driven by fears, need for
approval, love of comfort and ease, need for control, hunger for acclaim and power, or the fear of other
people (Luke 12:4–5)? Am I looking at anyone with envy? Am I giving in to even the first motions of lust
or gluttony? Am I spending my time on urgent things rather than important things because of these
inordinate desires?
Repent like this: Consider how the free grace of Jesus provides me with what I am looking for in these
other things. Pray, “Oh Lord Jesus, make me happy enough in you to avoid sin, and wise enough in you
to avoid danger, that I may always do what is right in your sight. In your name I pray, Amen.”
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and so something about the new year (and actually having the energy to think) makes me want to address each and every one of these. but i'm always a bit wary of new years resolutions. wendy blight says, "...God knows too that these promises and resolutions are often grounded not in His Word but in our flesh. We focus on the end result and not on the process"
So being a more beautiful alice should not mean i am trying to be a "perfect specimen of what [God] can do" as Oswald Chambers warns. God's purpose is to make me one with Himself, not produce "specimens of holiness to put in His museum." It i because chambers says, "if you accept this concept of personal holiness, your life’s determined purpose will not be for God, but for what you call the evidence of God in your life." Hs okay that I feel like a bruised fruit alice sometimes instead of a wonderfully holy and perfect alice because it was "God’s will to bruise His own Son (Isaiah 53:10), why shouldn’t He bruise you? What shines forth and reveals God in your life is not your relative consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your genuine, living relationship with Jesus Christ, and your unrestrained devotion to Him whether you are well or sick."
Blight tells us to "examine your New Year's Resolution and prayerfully ask the Lord to reveal the heart issue behind it. Ask Him to lead you through His Word to verses that directly address what you hear."
"For the Word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires" Hebrews 4:12
I feel out of touch with the Word of God for some reason. I think it's because though I get glimpses of it through sermons and bible studies and small group, I haven't spent as much personal time in a book this year and maybe that has hazed my view of my innermost thoughts and desires. I once heard that I should look at the desire and not the sin.
Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (actually a book i really like even though i'm not effective) says that change must always start within. you can't change others (and ourselves) simply by changing personality traits, which is a secondary trait. you must start with the paradigm from which we see the world. ralph waldo emerson says, "what you are shouts so loudly in my ear that i can't hear what you say."
that's why my goal "not to procrastinate" which doesn't address my fears of being a failure and love of comfort is too weak. or even my goal to "keep in touch" which doesn't address my fear of commitment or insecurity of not being liked or simply again, my selfishness. but c.s. lewis also tells us to act like we love people even if the feelings aren't there yet. so how does it work? at some point i guess God has to do His thing.
i find it hard to "see others as better than me" - not because i think i'm the best at things, but because i am alice-centered. one thing that helps change my paradigm is c.s. lewis's idea on immortality:
(from this article http://www.cslewisinstitute.org/cslewis/7Insights.htm)
Immortality
"Walter Hooper (C.S. Lewis scholar) argues that C.S. Lewis's central idea was that all people are immortal. Lewis wrote: "There are no ordinary people. You have never met a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations, these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat." Lewis manifested this belief by writing personally to everyone who wrote to him (usually handwritten letters) and giving away all the proceeds of his books.
Hooper tells the story of a time when he was with Lewis and they were talking about a man who was very boring. Hooper told Lewis that the man succeeded in interesting him by the very intensity of his boredom. Lewis replied, "Yes, but let us not forget that Our Lord might well have said, "As ye have done it unto one of the least of these my bores, you have done it to me." In fact, Lewis felt that it was sometimes his duty to visit and help such people.
C.S. Lewis writes:
It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods
and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most
uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a
creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly
tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such
as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day
long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or
other of these destinations. It is in the light of these
overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the
circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct
all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all
loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people.
You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures,
arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to
ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we
joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—
immortal horrors or everlasting splendours
i wonder what that's like. to treat everyone i meet in a way that reflects their true worth. the fact that they are all immortal, possible gods and goddesses and so amazingly oved by God. how would that change the way i interact with my students, my family, even random strangers and the most insignificant and boring (or weirdest/drugged up) people i come in contact with.
yesterday i did something for someone else and it felt relieving/joyful. i've been feeling bitter about helping others/ doing things for others, but the few moments i am able to get over myself and do something simply because i see someone as important has done more wonders to my soul/ relieving me from the burden and drudgery of myself than hours of reflection and even prayer sometimes.
so maybe i should stop thinking and get up and be sweet to my family...who always takes such good care of me.
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